Mindfulness is the ability to be present in the current moment, to be aware of the thoughts, feelings and observations of your internal state and your surroundings.

The lecturer told us to imagine brushing our teeth with our non-dominant hand. It was interesting, because I have never thought to do such a thing ever before. He told us to try it before going to bed and to focus on the sensations and immediate thoughts that we would have while doing so. Later that day, I tried it, and of course found it difficult to brush my teeth compared to how I would normally. Suddenly I became hyperaware of the differences in how I angled my wrist, the tenseness of my hand and fingers, the awkward way I pulled the brush in and out of my mouth. Being aware at such a level takes one away from their thoughts on either the past and the present. Mindfulness as a tool is used often in psychology as a way to pull one away from distorted thoughts that reside in either the past, the future, or both.

I'm not here to preach to you about how this should be a tool that you need to use in your life, but rather this is a reflection for myself on whether or not this has been impactful for me. I personally struggle with thoughts about the past and the future, and find trouble pulling myself away from letting it get to me severely. More often than not do I find myself torn apart internally on choices, issues, situations that have happened or have yet to happen. It's a dangerous cycle.

We live in a world where instant gratification is but a click, button push, or tap away. You can ease your worries by delving into forums, you can distract yourself by falling into a rabbit hole of shorts or tiktoks, you could watch videos upon videos about the hobbies you want to pursue but don't out of fear or inability to. Being present is terrifying because it means having autonomy, making decisions for yourself and being aware in ways that might not always be comfortable, happy, or easy. Being mindful does not necessarily equate to being relaxed, as some people might say it is. Sometimes the present is scary to face because there are things we are not quite ready to address that we probably should.

Right now I am typing. I feel the keys under the pads of my fingers. My fan is going on, set at a moderate level with a relatively low spin. Sunlight shines through my window. Outside it smells like humidity and freshly cut grass.

Being mindful is all about immediate facts. Talking about the things that are true, such as what I can sense with my five senses, is the main way someone could ground themselves to the present. Distorted thoughts from either the past or the present are called as such because there are no immediate facts that come from them. I'm not worthy. I'm a failure. I'm nothing. These are all distorted thoughts, statements that hold immense emotional and mental weight but are not immediately supported by cold cut facts. Reminding yourself of what resides in the present can pull you away from such thoughts, but eventually, you will have to face them. I will eventually have to face them, and it makes my skin crawl and my mind quiver in fear.

I'm very used to distractions. I'm always trying to focus on what's coming next, what did I forget, where did I put that thing again, what needs doing? My mind runs a mile a minute, finding something that I must do or finding something to ruminate on that's already done. Being in the present is scary to me because I'm unsure how to address just being.

My lecturer in all honesty gave us a simple task that turned into a daunting one. "How does one live mindfully?" Is the question that I have for him. Surely there must be some balance to it, that I must consider the triad of past, present, and future. It all comes down to its usage, I think. I must practice mindfulness in moments where I am too lost in the past and/or the present.

I think too deeply about the world and how I live in it. I think about what's to come for my generation, for the lives that we will live and the changes that we must engage in or are subject to. I think about the anger that I feel in regard to that, the mistakes made by past generations and mistakes that myself and my generation have made as well. I think about the failure that all of us must feel, and how much it sucks to wallow in it. But amidst all of that, there must be time for the games. There must be time to sit in the garden, look at the flowers, take in their color and breathe in the air. There must be a time where I, too, get to enjoy life for a brief moment, a minute, a second - anything to help me push forward into the future that I and others deserve.