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taking things too seriously

25 september 2025 - sunday

it is getting to a point where i can't even look at memes that are even slightly politically related and find them funny anymore. a lot of things are hard not just for myself, but for my peers, communities, adjacent spaces and such. for many folks, these are unprecedented times that we are living in. still, i consume these memes AND media that reports on these current events because i believe it is necessary to both laugh and be informed. as time passes, however, doing the former has become increasingly difficult. with my own eyes in my own neighborhood do i see how things have impacted my community - people move faster, they're weary of others, and the creasing of the brow is more prominent than any laugh lines they might have or have had. it makes me sad. we SHOULD be trusting our neighbors instead of fearing them, we SHOULD be able to share things with peers without the fear of offending them or fearing that you are now an outlier in a political majority, we SHOULD be able to speak and laugh and communicate with each other but we can't because things are very very very hard right now. ignoring that feels wrong, laughing at things feels wrong, and i hate that a lot of things feel wrong right now but the only thing i know i can control is how i react to it.

finding a balance between being serious and being relaxed enough to laugh feels like an impossible mission. just now someone showed me a meme about how there hasn't yet been an asian-american president of the united states, and all i could think about was "well yeah it would be nice! shame that we can't have that though!" instead of just finding it funny or being ok with some random internet person poking for some lighthearted fun. it makes me feel like a loser, a weakling in some ways, to not find certain jokes or memes funny because myself and the people around me are living IN these tough times wishing that it was all different. like actually yeah! i DO wonder why there hasn't been more presidents who are people of color in the united states of america, but by pointing it out, i may get told that i am taking the fun out of things, that i look at things too critically instead of taking them as they are. personally, no longer does it feel plausible to separate reality from the memes that we share all over social media that may have any sort of commentary in regards to the current sociopolitical situations we find ourselves in, whether its in the states or not.

i've had discussions with closer friends about this every now and then, and thankfully it's been nice to be able to share things with them on how i feel and how they feel and what we can collectively do about the things going on as a friend group. it has been empowering to take action with them. however, i won't deny that it would be nice if the general populace would just stop trying to find distractions away from the harshness of reality. i'll laugh at a meme on things sure, but this constant push for things to remain /just/ lighthearted and nothing to analyze deeper or take a bit more seriously makes me so exhausted. i would really like to think that the majority of people DON'T want to distract themselves away from the mess that is our reality, but it seems like it currently!!i don't really want to delude myself. but i also don't want to be a spoilsport. maybe with time i will find this balance, but for now, i think i'll find myself stepping away from engaging with political memes and hope that my peers don't think i am lame for doing so.


on attraction and being 'enough' for the self | a ramble...

14 september 2025 - sunday

being trans is a confusing experience. part of me wonders if it will be like this forever. it's hard to say because i am a trans man that still sounds quite feminine, but looks usually masc-leaning in public. if i don't speak, i could easily pass for just another guy. the problem is i have to speak, i don't pass as easily as i would like, and having people assume the wrong things about me and the ways i identify and express myself feels really awful. yet i still crave companionship, i yearn to understand others and to also be understood, and i wish people would ask me more questions and/or for myself to be a bit more forward with who and what i am. sometimes, it feels like i disappoint people by not being enough of a singular trait. for example, i'm VERY much a man, but that doesn't mean i automatically stop liking or doing things - such as wearing jewelry, being particular about my clothing - just because of that! the ideas surrounding gender even within queer spaces frustrates me because i thought we were OUTSIDE the binary, but so often does it feel like i have to conform to it!!! and it makes wanting to seek companionship hard, as people will project their idea of what they want you to be rather than seeing you as you are! it makes me a little sad, because i'm not just one or two or three things - i am many! and so are others. our individual expressions of gender will always be unique, and it is unfair to both ourselves and others to think of it as a binary experience only.

i see myself and i wonder if i am in any way that appealing. i think there's part of me that appeal to people, but then there's also parts that i think many wouldn't like. it's a terrible thing to do to the self, to deconstruct every facet of your being in unkind ways just to validate some messed up law or rule or unspoken agreement in a space. i know this, yet of course it still happens! the insecurity surrounding appearance is not an uncommon thing amongst humans haha, but it still doesn't feel good to recognize in the self. i want to be certain of my being, i want to be proud of who i am. but it's hard to be proud of who i am when it feels like it's just incompatible with everything and everyone out there (seemingly). then it becomes a lesson of "i must be okay with people not being compatible with me", and that's equally as hard to accept as a truth! i think i was just taught to get along with people, so much so that it makes me an agreeable person almost instantly. but now i don't want to be agreeable, or more specifically, i don't want to be compromising in ways that are unfair to myself. i shouldn't feel the need to tweak parts of my identity so people can find me more palpable. and if i were to do so, that would be unfair to people around me because i am not giving my authentic self. how can i develop lasting relations with people if i do not strive to be me?

being 'enough' for myself is important as i don't want to base my worth solely on values given to me by others. obviously, that will still happen regardless - i find that it is human nature for us to want the approval and opinion of those who we hold dear. but on very difficult, very personal topics like this it can be hard finding the right person to discuss these things with. i know quite a few other trans guys, but all of our experiences finding out we were trans and how our families reacted to it are all so different. there are people i am attracted to and would want to get to know better and speak on certain things with, but am simply way too shy because i get into my own head about whether or not it would be reciprocated. i am usually quiet around most people, but i really do love yapping and having friendly debates with people. overall, i really need to get over my insecurities. that will be a very long process... but one that will surely be worth it! what's been helping is speaking with friends regularly about how we're feeling and not being afraid to talk about stuff that might be a bit heavy. the people closest to me have been really awesome about encouraging me to say what i want to say instead of hiding how i feel. i am hoping to be able to do this more in my social and work life, as i no longer want to hold myself back from speaking with people if i'd like.


resting, recuperating, relaxing

7 september, 2025 - sunday

i thought about trying to keep my journal entries more spaced out, but that would defeat the purpose of this place hahah. today was a good day, so i intend to recount it here. dox made it all the way to the finals of the fresh faces competition, which is a speed-running event for kingdom hearts 2. it involves a randomizer and requires the players to collect certain items and make it to the end of the game as fast as possible. myself and a good amount of my friends got into a vc to watch and cheer him on. it ended up being a really really great few hours of us creating in the same space, cracking jokes, and encouraging one of our own in the twitch chat. if we could have a hangout like this more in a vc, i'd be really happy.

my legs are probably gonna ache all week, but that's the price of dancing at a hardstyle event unfortunately :) but i know what i got into! i just wish i was able to go on for hours and hours on end like others, and the party i went to on saturday lasted all the way until 4am!!! maybe some day when my body is a lot stronger (hopefully) i'll be able to stay longer for those events. i also need to be more aware of when i'm straining myself. proper stretching and self-care are crucial as well, so tomorrow i'm gonna go for a walk but also do an extensive stretch in the morning. i want to go to a pho place near me, and the walk should be a pretty good workout.

a photo i took hapharzardly of some art that was on display at the venue! coincidentally this venue was also a part of two stores AND a local art gallery. the walls had some of the collest mixed-media art i've seen from both digital and physical mediums. can't wait to come back here soon.

the art that myself and friends made today varied between 3D renders, music production, and visual loops. i'm surrounded by such creative and talented people! i'm going to be including some of their sets and artwork in here eventually, and i will be creating a page for me to dump some graphics in soon. i'll probably compress those images just a tad. if there's any interest for anyone to get anything i post on here that i've made, feel free to let me know via my guestbook or thru my DMs on bluesky! there's a lot of 3D renders that I personally am unsure how to use, so those are gonna find a home here. i threw the blend file towards some friends today, so i'm lowkey hoping some stuff from them comes out as well! i love seeing them make art. it's a fun little peek into their heads as we all express so differently.


a rare experience! hardstyle and related genres at a local rave [sd hardstylerz]

6 september 2025 - saturday

[ entry written in the early hours of the morning so TECHNICALLY it is sunday but who cares lmaoooo ]

i just got back home like less than an hour ago and my body is already aching from the pains of throwing myself around and stomping aggressively at a local event! honestly - it was totally worth! i got to meet people and i was able to talk to a good handful of folks, more than i usually do :p but fuck it we ball. i did have someone tap me on the shoulder before i went out for a smoke because they wanted to tell me i got a nice vibe...that felt so nice. plus it was from two really really REALLY pretty girls and i think i just barely stumbled my way thru an awkward "thank you, you're both so beautiful" before running out the door with my friend. i gotta stop freezing up around women...lol.

for my area it's rather rare to get raves / events like this. hardstyle, hard industrial techno, rawstyle, uptempo, etc., are all really niche genres for the west coast and even the united states as a whole. this kind of music is way more popular in europe than it is here. southern california in particular seems to favor heavy bass or future bass, riddim, dubstep, and on the complete other side of the spectrum, house and pop! it's a little disappointing because i really wanna be able to hear more of this stuff out here, but even for the event itself most of the DJs were not from the area. still though - i was very glad to be able to attend this! it honestly served as a really great distraction away from the hell that is my life. i wish i could articulate what's going on, but i fear i'd probably just take this entry down a very dark and not fun route. maybe with time.

the people at this particular event are incredibly nice. i had gone to a couple irl raves at other bars and venues, but this little event space behind a clothing store in ocean beach honestly does it best. there's people who obviously come out not just for the music but for the community that surrounds it. people were shaking hands, hugging, greeting each other thru loud excited yells as the speakers shook the room. everyone who approached me did so with kindness and a healthy dose of uncontained passion! a really good number of people danced wildly thru the night, and i got my steps in as i mentioned at the start of this entry haha. that's also a rarity too!!there aren't a lot of people who literally just dance anymore, so i appreciate a space that has even the staff absolutely immersed into the music even while hosting.

i forgot to get the contacts of several people...sigh. i really do this way too often, in that i meet really cool individuals at raves like this and i only remember to pull my phone out either at the beginning or the end. it's both a good thing and a bad thing i suppose, i am usually deeply enveloped in the music and not really engaged in conversation while on the dancefloor. being able to experience the set as a journey is something i really appreciate. i love how those who attended tonight got each others' vibes and made space when needed or moved where there was room. this is so rare, i already can't wait for their next event! maybe i'll be able to speak to some of them again.

note to self: maybe don't wear a fucking aloha polo shirt to a hardstyle rave you idiot LMAO god i can only hope i looked okay while i was there...


my old enemy... stairs time management

1 september 2025 - monday

(if you want to watch this scene clip, click here)

as of late, the thing that i am in dire need of changing severely is how my schedule looks in literally every regard. things started going downhill when pride month came along this year in literally the best AND worst ways possible. since june, there have been many projects, events, projects, commissions, and such that i have been involved with. me being a busy body is nothing new - i've been someone who thrives having a busy schedule or things to do throughout the week or else i'll fucking go crazy lol. however, now that august has ended, it is very clear that being a busy body is putting a significant strain on my health in all facets. i don't sleep well, if at all. i eat less, like i used to at my old job. it's a lot to process.

the way i usually process my thoughts and feelings day to day is thru journaling (entries on this site kinda count ig) usually in my morning pages insert in my traveler's notebook. however, due to my tight schedule, i kinda just jumpstart the day right out of bed without giving myself the time i need to get ready for it slowly. my planner is now an afterthought most days since i go back and fill in the things i missed on some days. this is bad! i need to process the previous day so i don't have any lingering thoughts or ideas that i'll forget if i don't write them down in the morning. i need to catalog the day's events and cross off the to-do's in my planner so i don't get random feelings of anxiety if i forgot something or if i didn't do something yet. losing my ability to process, which for me is very much a tangible experience, has made me lose my footing. this has bled into my work, into my art, and unfortunately into my relationships and social interactions.

another huge issue with my time management is that i say yes to practically everything brought up and asked to me. the thing is that it really does feel wrong to say no. i very much mean that. if i wanna say no to something, i do! there have been several things i have said no to this summer. however, i think there are MUCH MORE things i said YES to hahhaa. there's so much fun stuff going on! people are creating and expressing in so many ways and so passionately too! this summer and this year in general has seen so many leaps in bounds for creativity, and i love being a part of it in any way i can. removing myself from it feels very wrong. i promised several important people in my life that i will take more of a step back in september, but i also wanna play my birthday party for the end of the month, host an ambient night, and celebrate several anniversaries and milestones in communities i am involved.

well, even though i want things to stay the same, it's practically impossible. i really do need to take more of a step back and perhaps towards the end of the year i will take more of a spectator role within events. i have a really hard time admitting that this is something that i need to change. if i had it my way i would be able to work AND make art AND hangout with my friends and loved ones AND be healthy, well-fed, and with a good sleeping schedule!!! alas hahah, that is very much a fantasy and you can only have so much of all that at one time. but, baby steps! thanks for reading and see you next time.


heavy thoughts on recent current events

26 august 2025 - tuesday

WARNING. MENTION OF SUICIDE AND DEATH.

artificial intelligence is a blight upon this world. seeing the news this morning on the suicide of adam raine really got to me, especially so as it was mentioned that he spoke to chatgpt about wanting to commit harm to himself. to know and then see how openai prompted a /real/ person to go through with their negative thoughts is harrowing, especially speaking as someone who thinks similarly all the time. i have the great privilege of an amazing support system, but i cannot help but wonder about all those folks who have no one and turn to some sort of non-human option like chatgpt/openai. while adam raine's parents are the first known case against open ai for wrongful death, what about other young people who may be going thru the motions in a similar manner to adam did in his last months of his life? how much of chatgpt's impact towards young people has been ignored or not seen due to this constant push about its usefulness? i just know that going forward, this story might be buried under allllll of the ads of how ai is 'beneficial', 'functional', and 'the future'.

if the future is us doing nothing in the face of rising suicide rates and social dependence on ai rather than on our peers, family, friends, and communities, i don't want to live in that future.

i understand that this is a dramatic view on the world currently, but it is the reality that we are living in. the reality is there are people who are in desperate need of help but are unsure who would be okay to reach out to. we have developed into a society that is afraid to lean on each other. people don't speak to each other, don't resolve conflict, don't allow themselves to be vulnerable and all sorts of things out of fear that it may destroy the tense balance that exists in their lives. no longer are we expressing and doing things out of raw emotions like passion or joy, but out of the calculated necessity for survival. while i do think that is unavoidable, that is what we must do to move on, can we not hope and act for better? can we try to move forward as a society in ways that improve the quality of life not just for me as an individual but for others later down the line?

when it comes to issues like these, i feel like only a fraction of the world really cares. i just know there will be some people who say shit like "well young boys kill themselves all the time for all sorts of reasons" or even "teenage suicide in the digital age is nothing new" and that just displays the rampant apathy that permeates online spaces. people like that piss me off. people like that have no empathy towards parents like matt and maria raine who lost a son to a thing they don't even fully understand. the ruthlessness of those on the internet have no bounds. and this is why shit doesn't change - people remove themselves from the equation by saying stuff like "i never knew them anyways", "they're a stranger why should i care" and "it doesn't impact me at all". they say shit like that until THEY lose someone, until THEY have something happen to them, and then it's a different tune. everyone is just fighting hard as hell to survive, and then it becomes a fight against each other instead of a fight against the ones at the very top. they'll pit us against each other like this, use tragedies to divide us, and then pay no mind to all those who get caught up in the crossfire.

rest in peace and love, adam raine. he was 16.


this guy needs to stop : he is the lion

20 august 2025 - wednesday

i love and hate how much this site inspires me. i really wanna just dig into building up an entire site and not be relying on a box template but i really do not have the time... it's kinda disheartening but, eventually i'll be able to spend more time on it! it would be really neat to make a site based off of gojo entirely, that would be so sick. i've always thought it'd be neat to do some kind of corporate grunge fan site for him on here, with art that i've made inspired by gojo's character. idk whatever fan stuff, but on a diff note i identify very much with gojo from jjk, but there seems to be this misconception that i want to fuck him. EL EM AY OH you could NOT be any more wrong. my type is specifically dark haired violent goths (iykyk lmao).

i keep telling myself i'll get better at saying no, but i end up being really bad at it hahaha. my friend fray put it succintly to me earlier today - if i keep saying "yes" just because i wanna help out and be a nice guy, i'll never really have enough time for myself. she's so fucking right though. i guess it isn't necessarily guilt about saying no that gets me entirely in my head, it's that i LOVE being a part of things and i love doing what i can to make stuff happen and saying no feels wrong to /me/ if that makes sense. i have been a host and a social person both in and out of vr for a long time, despite my averseness to being touched i know what i love - gathering people together, finding joy together, celebrating each other together. it's a literal drug. i had the joy of spending time w homies more the last few weeks and it has been pretty healing, and i want more of it but i have limited spoons, limited time, and sometimes my ISP fucks me over when i do have both!!! i can't fucking win... lol.

i have many interests. it is the bane of my existence. i was talking to my friend nonny about how i keep wanting to go different directions creatively, and i felt relieved to hear that he has been feeling the same in his own endeavours. for me, i want to get another EP out before the year ends, but i also want to develop more of my 3d design skillset and that also takes time. he suggested i focus on my EP, which i just might. i have a lot of things i have already been working on, so i might as well build all of that up. i really gotta sit down at my piano and record again too, there's some things i have repeating in my head that i haven't gotten out fully. it's been such a lovely time rediscovering my love for music outside of DJing and inside producing, but it's also a huge wall of learning for me. i'm a slow learner, i'm bad with change, but i'm pretty stubborn and i have a vision so maybe that's enough.

anyways thanks for reading, i hope you eat something sweet later or tmrw or today :p


fixing a broken chain

19 august 2025 - tuesday

swaying in this rugged sea

i am one of many

rusted from use, scarred by experience

any day now... i expect to break

somehow i am reeled in

handled by warm hands, gentled softly

i have felt cold for so so long...


an attempt at organizing : in my head and out

18 august 2025 - monday

WARNING!!! THE FOLLOWING ENTRY HAS EXPLICIT LANGUAGE!!! IDK LEAVE OR KEEP READING OR WHATEVER!!!

i did it, i just re-did my other site. i couldn't get what i wrote the other day out of my head, so i just went ahead and fixed up stuff on the other site. the problem is... i am an idiot. LOL. i had accidentally gotten rid of the other posts i had up there for a bit, i completely glazed over the option to CHANGE MY MIND, and now the posts i wrote on my friend ray's birthday, the vajont world, and how much i love starwood hollow (wispy woo world on vrchat btw check that shit out) just no longer exist. yeah. i'm an idiot. oops lol.

i am 'justaam'. it's hard to really explain what that means to people without sounding like a pretentious, overzealous, arrogant motherfucker i think. 'justaam' simply stands for 'just another anime man', but i also have figured out that it could doubly mean 'just another asian man' and also 'just asian american, man' and i honestly could go on and on and on and still find it fucking amusing. it also just works as a sentence, like 'i just (a)am'. because i kinda (a)am!!! fuck lmao ok. i AM 'justaam', but im also gojo and i am also lar and i just didn't want to use my real name when putting my work out there for some reason. it's honestly more of something for me to hide behind. the name 'lar' doesn't sound that cool, it kinda sounds ambiguous, and when there's artists out there named DJ HARDCOCK you kinda need to find a way to stand out. i am admittedly insecure of my real name, in the sense that i fear that it's not a name people really expect to be mine, but i also don't wanna change my name at all. i like it. it's a variant of a name from my late aunt and namesake. in my own way, keeping this name is how i honor her. eventually i'd like to be less insecure of my name. but for now, the artist in me uses names like 'justaam' as a shield - a shield to hide the remnants of a man still finding his way. type shit. please feel free to click off this site right now LOL.

this domain was my first, and justaam was my second. i like having two separate sites, one more for my vr writing and design stuff and one for weird rambly entries like this. to be quite fair, i think the other site will still have a rambly blog just because that's my nature, but it will probably not have me cussing at random points like within this entry haha. i have been keeping a log of things i have attended throughout the year and i'm really excited to eventually draft up my 'year in review' post for that site! it feels like it would fit more over there. as for here at the end of the year, i might just make a list of my most listened albums or something. or maybe favorite photos i've taken for each month! lots of ideas.

thanks for reading! i apologize for the incoherentness of it all, but that's also just me :p take care!


new beginnings and the separation of the self

17 august 2025 - sunday

i've had this weird ache, like thinking about what permanent and what isn't. i know i'm not permanent, and somehow i need to make my mark on the world in ways that i find meaningful or impactful or whatever. i like my other website a lot, but i've made it specifically with the intent of having it as a portfolio and writing space for my more sophisticated thoughts lmao. it's too professional, it's too clean. part of me hates it PURELY because it is that. there i'm posting about cool experiences and art and here it's probably going to be where i scream about things, good and bad. i am so used to posting on sites like bsky, and i think i always will just post random shit on there, but it's hard to openly think and ponder on platforms like that. be it bluesky, twitter, reddit, instagram - they're all a means to an end. ideally this place is gonna be for me, for my friends who would like to interact with it, and for the strangers that want to peer into my mind in ways that may be less invasive on both of our ends.

i know i'm not afraid of connection, affection, and relationships, but the separation of the self feels like a necessity due to fear of real world consequences. i must have a space to be professional, and i also must have a space that is more raw, more messy, and less contained in expression. while my other website contains some of my rawest work, like posters i've made for events that mean a lot to me or art for my friends' music, it's "clean" so it's palpable for everyone who doesn't know me. there i feel like i need to express only certain thoughts, share certain things, showcase my work so that it may be capitalized. that or like, i'm overthinking shit bwahahah. idk. i think a lot of my life has been about the separation of the self due to the need to survive. but is surviving really worth it when all the pieces that make me 'me' are ripped apart? am i surviving as myself? when i reach the end, look into a mirror and peer into my eyes, will i recognize the man behind them?

i don't really know the answers to those questions. i just know that if i'm going to keep moving forward in my existence, i might as well express myself in all the ways that feel right and necessary. i can't live the rest of my life only half as myself.