... and then there was silence

the club is dimly lit. bodies thrash around, coaslescing into each other, a large mass of people dominated by the bass of the music. I can barely make out the silhouettes of my friends, flashes of light from overhead and to the side only illuminating the room when parts of the set hit a peak. I, too, find myself lost in the groove, my body stretching and my feet stomping and my hands waving around. there is no shame here. there is only true expression of the self through dance and music.

we on the dancefloor become a collective. in spaces like these it is very much encouraged to be moving as much as possible. I feel the familiar high of being in this space, of being in a place where I can let myself go wild and be loose in existence. I dance with no one, yet I feel as if I am dancing with everyone.

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing-

all sound comes to a stop save for a loud ringing in my ears. I feel myself go rigid. the party around me keeps going. I can feel my breath quicken, the signs of panic and anxiety rising within me.

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing-

peoples mouths are moving. the lights above me flash bright. I close my eyes. it feels like someone is slowly stuffing cotton pads into my ears. everything around me sounds fuzzy, as if I am sinking deeper into a bad dream. someone waves hello. I wave back on autopilot. I try not to let the anxiety win. I can feel myself slowly losing.

the ringing continues as I feel myself spiral. I see people's mouths move. I see faces contort with joy and excitement and eagerness to be here. I see people sharing their gratitude towards the DJ, moving forward and raising their arms up. the lights are flickering in soft oranges and blues above me. I feel cemented in place, unable to enjoy being present but selfish enough to not want to leave.

........................

silence. my hands shake as I grip them into fists. the ground has a hold of me, rooting me into place as I sink deeper into hysteria and confusion. I pray, I beg, I hope. I don't know what is happening. all I know is that I cannot hear, I cannot breathe, and I cannot be.

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing- - - oommmmm- WAHHHH-

all of a sudden my ears open back up. I am assaulted with sensations as my body is finally able to move. I am shaking. I am overwhelmed. the speed of the set has changed, a slower, more seductive pace set as bodies move against each other. I can hear myself breathe heavily even through the thrum of the music. the positive feelings I had for the night are long gone at this rate. my hands are itching for something to do. I grab my lighter and fiddle with it, thinking maybe smoking a cigarette might make me feel better.

the beating of my heart and the sound of my breath grows louder than the music. I remember I don't have any more smokes. I bite my lip, growing more restless at the idea of having nothing to hold me down into reality. I know I don't need to smoke. I want to. the need for some sort of harsh taste in my mouth is now present in my mind. my ears ache. my body aches. my heart aches. I ache, knowing that there is something I must face in the morning, a truth I must uncover for myself.

I walk off the dancefloor, not bothering to say goodbye to friends. I find my jacket at the front and put it on. it's early in the goddamn morning, and fog has filled the street. the sky is cloudy, no moon in sight. the echo of the music follows me out.

time to go home. silent of my own accord, I make my way.