sobriety

everything is too much and not enough at the same time

they say that sobriety leads to a clear mind, but i have found that my pool of thoughts and feelings has only become more and more muddied

i am the janitor of this messy void, picking up trash left behind by the past me

forgotten chores here, missed appointments there, rescheduling of meetings done and written into my planner with shaking hands

my lips are dry - i've been breathing heavily all day

one two three four five six seven eight ... in

one two three four five six seven eight ... out

over and over and over, quietly in the bus, in the bathroom, at my desk, during my walk, when i listen to music, when i write, when i talk, when i move

if i don't do so, i might forget to breathe and fall thru the floor and further into the mess that i've made

everything is in order except for me, the clarity of my mind making all the things that are wrong with me present

the tenseness of my shoulders, the deep set lines of my face from frowning, the ache in my legs, the exhaustion seeping and pulsing and SCREAMING at me in my bones

letting loose would be easy, opening up old habits could make me feel better

who needs to be sober when you i can be fun, when you i can be free, when you i can delude your myself from the reality of your my life that is monotonous, repetitive, and lonely?

i think of the people around me

the promises i made to my mother to get better

the way my friends get excited hearing from me

the messages i get from loved ones about plans made, things to do, events and hangouts to look forward to

i only feel lonely because i let myself struggle alone

i pick up the trash in my mind, bearing a burden that no one man should on their own

how many times could i have sit with someone in comfortable silence because we both weren't drinking during a weekend?

do i not realize how lucky i am? how i can simply ask a friend to be here with me if i need some company?

why won't i let myself realize that what really stops me from being in voice channels is the fear of being unfunny, boring, stiff, too serious

being sober is more than just having a clear mind, but having a mind that can no longer look around and ignore the weight of everything occuring, of everything that hasn't gone well, of everything that needs to be FIXED and fixed NOW

it's late and i'm struggling to breathe, to sleep, to exist

i'm sober, at the cost of my sanity.