i've had this weird ache, like thinking about what permanent and what isn't. i know i'm not permanent, and somehow i need to make my mark on the world in ways that i find meaningful or impactful or whatever. i like my other website a lot, but i've made it specifically with the intent of having it as a portfolio and writing space for my more sophisticated thoughts lmao. it's too professional, it's too clean. part of me hates it PURELY because it is that. there i'm posting about cool experiences and art and here it's probably going to be where i scream about things, good and bad. i am so used to posting on sites like bsky, and i think i always will just post random shit on there, but it's hard to openly think and ponder on platforms like that. be it bluesky, twitter, reddit, instagram - they're all a means to an end. ideally this place is gonna be for me, for my friends who would like to interact with it, and for the strangers that want to peer into my mind in ways that may be less invasive on both of our ends.
i know i'm not afraid of connection, affection, and relationships, but the separation of the self feels like a necessity due to fear of real world consequences. i must have a space to be professional, and i also must have a space that is more raw, more messy, and less contained in expression. while my other website contains some of my rawest work, like posters i've made for events that mean a lot to me or art for my friends' music, it's "clean" so it's palpable for everyone who doesn't know me. there i feel like i need to express only certain thoughts, share certain things, showcase my work so that it may be capitalized. that or like, i'm overthinking shit bwahahah. idk. i think a lot of my life has been about the separation of the self due to the need to survive. but is surviving really worth it when all the pieces that make me 'me' are ripped apart? am i surviving as myself? when i reach the end, look into a mirror and peer into my eyes, will i recognize the man behind them?
i don't really know the answers to those questions. i just know that if i'm going to keep moving forward in my existence, i might as well express myself in all the ways that feel right and necessary. i can't live the rest of my life only half as myself.