Life has been a challenge that I barely want to face on the day-to-day. It seems that every day is just another struggle - more problems that need fixing, more calls to be made, more money that needs to be allocated into things that are necessary to survive. Just a few years ago I was living in a small studio apartment with no bathroom in Seattle. I had no insurance, worked full-time, and somehow I felt so incredibly free. Now, I work a job that I don't really care for, have medical insurance that will run out when I turn 26, and am facing medical issues that I have been ignoring for quite some time.

It's scary, admitting all this, because I'd like to think that on some level I have some semblance of control about the things going on in my life. The hardest truth that I must accept now is that there are so many variables that are out of my sphere of control, and how I react to them are the only things that I can control. It's annoying to realize this limitation, that as I get older I become way too are of all the "red tape" that life comes with.

Having it all together is something that I do desperately desire. I wish for the ability to know exactly what to do and when and how and where to go- you get it. Reality is cruel, in that all of that won't necessarily be the case when something occurs. I can't predict when I'll have sick days and have to call out, I can't know when I should call my doctor before things get worse, I can't feel my feelings ahead of time so I know what to expect. The human experience is full of the unknown, which can stoke deep fear and insecurity in us.

In all honesty, I'm okay. I am surrounded by an incredible support system, great community, and have ample resources at my disposal when I need help. I have the privilege of making mistakes and having people around to help pick up the pieces. The problem is when I catastrophize about the state of the world, the state of society, the state of me to a point where I'm going nowhere with my thoughts. I'm doing nothing - so nothing gets done.

What's been getting me through these days are the simple pleasures that I can afford, along with being inspired by the people and things that I experience. The viewing of the sunset. A one dollar soda at the corner store run by a man who clearly undersells his product because he wants to serve the community. The small smiles from strangers. Small popup parties happening in the neighborhood just because people decided they wanted to make them happen. Shitty fast food. Hugs. A long call with a dear friend. A compliment from someone passing by. Home-cooked meals made by my parents. "I love you's". My little siblings looking up and saying, "thanks for your help!"

As much as I complain, as much as I have to endure, and as much as I want to hate - there is so much to love. So much to see. So much to look forward to.

I'm on my way home. I have to do it all again tomorrow.