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falling quietly every day

11 december 2025 - thursday

i think i got used to voicing out "god i hate xxxxx thing!!!" more than i would "omg i LOVE this xxxxx thing!" and realizing that has been a little sad to me. if anything, it further points out the current state of the world. things are so awful that they're all that we notice. no amount of doomscrolling or complaining will really change anything; the world currently really fucking sucks in MANY ways. but if all i'm verbalizing and recognizing is the world sucking, am i really fucking living right now? like i guess i am just hyperaware of how lucky i am, how nice it is to have the chance at a stable enough career, a home, a partner, a good community. but even with all of that, no one can really ignore reality.

each day i have been trying to note things that i have been loving. music, articles, blog posts. food for the soul. things that remind us that there is good out there. and sometimes i catch myself giggle and i think "man am i fucking dork for doing this shit? for laughing and believing things can change and be better?" and to be honest... i'd like to think that i'm not. i'm just a guy hoping for the best, just like you.

i love the album GEMZ by sakura tsuruta, i have been listening to it nearly every day. it helps calm me down and all the sounds make me happy.
i love my partner. i love the way he is into speed running kingdom hearts 2. i can listen to him talk about that all day.
i love that i have found a few forums to hangout in. i can check them at my pace instead of feeling like i need to immediately respond like how social media feels like now.
i love that my friends and i watched the game awards in a voice channel together.

when my time eventually comes, i hope i had said "i love" more than "i hate".

happy thanksgiving! uh, what does that mean for me exactly?

27 november 2025 - thursday

as a child, thanksgiving was portrayed as this meal that a bunch of family have to present for and somehow we have to have a turkey on the table or else it isn't thanksgiving. at least, that's how my immigrant family and community perceived thanksgiving. as asian americans, i don't think myself or my family can really relate to the cultural relevance thanksgiving has to other americans. to us, this is yet another holiday that we have break for if we live or work in the united states. but still - it's a chance for us to gather as a family.

now that myself and my two siblings are meandering our way into adulthood, the excitement for the holidays is kind of really just excitement for a break from everything. no work, no school, no responsibilities for just a few days. also, good home cooking!!!! i never really realized how much i sucked at cooking until i had to do it for myself regularly, and ohhhh man. it's certainly humbled me. thanksgiving is a great time for me and my siblings to enjoy our mother's cooking with no regret.

i absolutely abhor what thanksgiving for retail. i just don't understand the need to redecorate your home for this. like why. or maybe i'm just clueless.

thanksgiving coming around also means queues everywhere. omg. i had forgotten what this week was on monday and went on an absolute journey running around to do errands. i had to go pick up some packages, send some photos to be developed, pick up medicine - all things that i thought i could resonably get done within an hour or so. no! it took me nearly two hours only because there was a long queue for each thing i needed to do! i was so exasperated by the time i was finished with everything. being in lines genuinely stresses me out lol.

this year i am also finally taking a step back from organizing events surrounding the holidays like i have been doing for the past few years in virtual reality. it's coming to a point where i must reprioritize the things happening in my tangible life, it cannot go any other way. it severely depresses me, as hosting is something i've been doing for years at this point, but i just simply do not have the time and energy anymore. i am thankful for the people closest to me that have told me to take every opportunity to rest. so this week and weekend, i endeavour to do just that.

trans day of remembrance and resilience

20 november 2025 - thursday

more than 25 years ago, three trans individuals were murdered in massachusetts. these three, black trans women - rita hester, chanelle pickett, and monique thomas - almost faded into obscurity, their murders and their names almost forgotten to time. trans day of remembrance and resilience is observed to recognize the incredibly harsh reality of being a trans individual in this world. this day is observed to not only be reminded of the intense, recent past violent aggressions that are inflicted upon us, but also as a reminder to why we move forward, why we push for justice, why we continue to breathe and live and demand to thrive.

every year, we read the names of those that we have lost, lighting candles to their names and having moments of silence for their souls. i cannot deny the absolute anger that fills me when i think about all of these souls, their chances at life unfairly taken away by someone who could not even think to empathize with people like us. it angers me, that for many of us, this was not a choice. for me, being trans has been one of the hardest truths to accept for me. but myself, so many others, we cannot deny who we are. we cannot hide anymore.

some pay the price dearly for being openly trans. it haunts me that i could lose /anyone/ i love in this community, simply just because of who they are. i could lose my life, simply for being who i am.

i refuse to live in fear. i refuse to cower to anyone for expressing who i am. i reject the notion that i must conform, that i must heel, that i must bow to the heteronormative ideals that are championed in this day and age.

trans day of remembrance and resilience is a day that i mourn heavily. i grieve friends and the friends of others. i weep with my siblings in gender. but i also feel the motivation to move on, the drive to not just hope but WORK for better. because that is what we fucking deserve!!! a world where not just us as trans individuals, but for all people to live in harmony and mutual understanding should not be a dream, it should be a standard! all of us deserve to live well and long.

madison faye. 12th of may, gun violence.

garage30radio set inspiration - falling in love, over and over and over again

16 november 2025 - sunday

i recently recorded a set for GARAGE30RADIO, hosted and managed by a lovely person named blackoutboi. this set contains songs that i mixed from a crate that i used recently for kaleidosky and mellow monday - more open ended soundscapes with minimalist techno, groove, and a track a friend had used my vocals in. this is a pretty removed set from the last few that i've done this year, as i have been exclusively playing hardgroove, techno, and anything adjacent to four-on-the-floor. i don't think i'll ever be able to shake off how that music makes me feel, as i find that i am addicted to the way that genre makes me dance unlike any other. however, i have been really found of expressing myself thru lots of weird noises and soundscapes, finding how they make me feel... more? beyond? a bit ethereal? it's hard to explain.
this whole set is full of songs that somehow remind me of falling in love. while i think falling in love can be an incredible experience, this set is about the raw, unfiltered expression of falling in love. it's not always perfect and the end isn't always a fairytale. a lot can be unknown when you fall in love! that isn't a bad thing, of course, but it can be somewhat (very) anxiety-inducing to have such strong feelings for people. i am very much an overthinker, which is kind of reflected towards the end of this set. i end with a track by wake where they edited my vocals, 'mourning my reflection' in, my voice crying out as i sing for someone to really see me, to see past what is physically obvious
[ hey if you listened to the G30RADIO set, please do let me know what you think about it! thank you ]

the purpose of having a personal website

2 november 2025 - sunday

i've been talking to quite a few people close to me about my site, and it's honestly been a really cool experience. it has so far lead to some of them drafting up sites of their own or finding ways to have some kind of blog - just something that stands apart from the platforms that we normally engage in. each time the topic of having a personal website would come up, the age old question of, "what would i even write about anyways?" comes into play.
part of me thinks that not everyone should have a website. if you are clearly not passionate about something or you are unable to write at length what is important to you or what your hobbies are or what you have been thinking lately then yeah, maybe having a website isn't really for you. what makes these places special is the words anyways. i think it would be so fucking boring if the whole of the internet were just people blathering about only what's viral, what's trending, or what's current.
obviously, it'll matter to people that what they write about should be interesting. maybe people will stumble upon these personal little spaces that we've made for ourselves, and what they find must reflect our soul. while i think that's important, i absolutely hate it when people stumble upon things they don't understand or like and then just write it off as useless or not worthy of existing. oh something wasn't aesthetic enough for you? did this post offend you? does someone like something that you don't like? well boo fucking hoo lol.

so it seems ultimately that (to me at least) having a personal webiste is like having your own kind of hub, home, command center - whatever you want to call it - that you can find solace in. you can put your art here, some thoughts on media that you like or dislike, or write whole novels with your own universe and characters. i also genuinely find it a cool way to archive and note down what i have been working on and how time has passed. it's equally cool to see time pass thru the lens of others when checking out their sites.

sure, putting it that way is immature (lol) but i really fucking mean it. it kinda sucks that people's aversion to having a site isn't necessarily the work load or feeling dumb when trying to make css work - because i definitely feel that way A LOT - it's the fact that they don't find what they have to say or share or feel is worthwhile.
it's harsh, but... they'll have to figure out how to not feel that way themselves. i was talking with someone recently about how we don't talk or communicate or share about things due to fear of confrontation - which yes, is very valid in many situations - but what we were discussing was that people nowadays would rather let themselves feel sorry instead of taking the chance for themselves and others for further and deeper understanding. maybe it's naive, but i trust that people who actually give a shit about me will call me out and talk with me if i say some stuff that is out of pocket or if i should rethink some thing.

the way that this all relates to having a personal website is that now is /not/ a time to hold back on expression. and i don't mean in the context of keeping yourself safe and having your own sense of security and privacy, i am talking about how we stop ourselves from engaging into getting into things with earnest curiosity and gusto because of the fear of others and their thoughts. it is very much normal to want to be in the in-group, but holy fuck has it made us absolutely terrified and avoidant of being real with each other.

writing

24 october 2025 - friday

writing...........

self portrait ... vote

21 october 2025 - tuesday

a self portrait drawn over instructions on how to vote in my county. my face is drawn sullen and terrified, my eyes wide with fear and sadness. tears streak down my face. i look unkempt.

late night ponderings also #bloggingissoback

20 october 2025 - monday

it's barely monday and i am still up, wide awake. there's a bunch of things on my mind, but mainly i am thinking about how to make this blog a little bit better. i want it to be both optimized and aesthetically pleasing, but i'm still unsure where to start. i also would like to keep this site responsive mainly for my own selfish reasons. i like being able to pull up my own archive of links on my phone just so i can show other people, which has happened a lot more than i originally thought. this site is my other virtual home apart from virtual reality, so of course the way that it is organized and presented is very important to me. i've been reading a lot of the guides / articles from the resource thread from 32bitcafe, and it's honestly really daunting. learning is a process, and logically i know that i shouldn't shame myself for being a slow learner, but it still happens.
what i like about how i've used preset themes is that i am not satisfied with everything being "as is", but i admit there is still much i need to learn before i fully commit to moving over to a custom layout for my site. when i learn, i very much just throw myself at it until i gradually pick it up which is NOT a very effective way of learning i'll admit hahah. it's funny to me because i like reading, but the moment it's about something more technical my brain has a harder time wrapping around it. currently, my site is set up with responsive layouts from different places but with similar color themes to tie it all together. in my mind, my custom layout would be heavily inspired by gojo as he is who i used to pick colors to use in here and is the name that i go by online.

#bloggingissoback is a phrase that i had jokingly started saying to my friend fray any time some fun thing was happening around us or if we would be at an event and something crazy would happen. it was a bit of an unserious statement, but i have begun seeing more of my peers in virtual reality delve into making sites of their own. i can sense that the exasperation with social media platforms has begun hitting a wider part of the populace. there are people who i (wrongly) assumed would never make a blog recently make one to share about their interests and hobbies in an extended manner that they could not effectively do in posts, threads, and comments. it's very heartwarming to see, and i feel like a lowkey creep for finding community members' websites and saving them for perusing later. i know i shouldn't!!! it's the internet. but seeing these intimate thoughts is both and honour and a scare, as i am so used to people being cautious about how passionate they can be on things that they like. it makes me sad. social media now feels like people sharing selective things that they find "acceptable" rather than what they just like. there's plenty of valid reasons for this, of course - privacy, lack of free time for social media, niche interests - but i admit i do like seeing communities that i engage in moving out into a wider expression of the web.

all this to say that this site, my site, is definitely not perfect lmao.
i'm pretty sure there's an iframe here and there that breaks the layout.

coming out to my father

15 october 2025 - wednesday

i came out to my dad. i straight up told him i am a trans man. i repeated how i would do it in my head on the way up those stairs, but the moment his hands touched mine i couldn't hold it in. i bawled out my confession like a babe, as if it were the most terrible sin on the planet despite knowing that i am who i am. i am his child. he loves me. why was i so afraid of telling this secret?
i have seen the ways my fellow trans mascs have been kicked out of their homes and/or abused by the people they share blood with. i held this secret close to my heart with such pain because i couldn't bear a life where my own parents would scorn my existence. i love them so much. the worst possible outcome to this would have been to lose their love, lose their care, and to lose them in my life completely.

my dad held my hand as he let me speak. i asked him if i was good enough still, even as i am. no words can ever really explain how gently he held my face, how softly he spoke to me. my mother was in the room, letting us have our moment as she already knew. i feared losing my father. i feared that he would think of my existence as an abomination. it seemed that he already knew, as he took it so well that typing all of this now feels like a dream. i had eluded to my transness last winter holiday, and refused to elaborate to my parents then on what was going except for vague descriptions about how i felt specifically about my gender identity.

i cried so much i felt like a fool.
i should have said something ages ago.
i wish i wasn't ashamed of who i am.
i wish i could see what my dad sees in me.

when the discussion came to the end, i felt so stupid for thinking my own dad would disown me. my own father who paid for my tuition so that i would have no debt. my father who makes sure that i am cared for and that i go to my appointments regularly. my father who would sit quietly while i played music or sang in the living room. my father who, for his whole life, has only ever wanted the absolute best for me.

i am beyond lucky.
i love you dad.
i will aim to be a good man, just like you.

on "same frequency" by nonsenze - an album with my voice in it

14 october 2025 - tuesday

my friend nonsenze has finally released his album "same frequency"! you can find a link to it on the home page in the what's new box. this is so exciting because he has been working on this very, very intensely for some time now. he released it over the weekend on youtube and bandcamp. the album consists of the following songs: airport, i don't want to be seen, setraline, home, and end2. this album is heavily inspired by these artists - acloudyskye, Black Country New Road, Headache, EDEN, Nick Drake, Issac Wood - and features my voice for some spoken word and singing along with the very empowering playing from violinist german dimitriev. i asked if it was alright for me to make a cover for the song i sang in, end2, and i was pretty glad i got the ok.

working on this felt pretty cathartic, as i have been feeling rather uninspired lately. i mentioned in my last entry that it's been pretty tough lately, but i wanna get myself back on the up and up. it's not going to be something that's gonna happen fast, but being inspired by friends and making art with and for them is a fantastic feeling. i really really like the corporate grunge (read 'corporate' the AESTHETIC not actual corpo shit that stuff is lame) colors and bold, accented text. i'm thinking of animating my posters for next time, but i've got a lot more to learn in blender. it's funny because even just last year i wouldn't have imagined doing any of this kind of rendering stuff since i mainly used the software to edit my models, but it's VERY great for making poster stuff.

i don't think i'll be back to having comms open fully to the public just yet. i'll get myself back to slowly working with the people i am used to and who understand what's going on with me. i do feel a little bad - there have been a few inquiries from people that i feel bad turning down but i know i wouldn't be able to give them the product that they deserve. it sucks, but i think it's what i gotta do for me right now.

i couldn't even let myself have a full month break + holding myself accountable

08 october 2025 - wednesday

yo hey WARNING kind of really emotional. if you're not into that skip this entry xxx.

in the first week of october, i had done three DJ sets and released three new pieces of work. i didn't even bother to ease into it - people asked me for stuff, i looked at my calendar, and decided i will do it. now here i am, back into the swing of organizing and planning and performing even after a mere three ish weeks of being on "a break". a very, very large part of me knows that if i let this go on i might start doing too much, so i need to really be clear to myself and others about my boundaries and limitations for work. it got to a point last month (and admittedly, even know to a degree only known by those closest to me) that i disliked everything that i was putting out there, no matter what the medium was. poster? hate it. i sang for something? i sound like a teenage boy. oh that set that's on youtube? wish i took it down. it's a very detrimental cycle of self-hatred. this time, i'm not going to let myself sink that deep again. i need to be appreciative of myself and what i am capable of.

now, it would be really helpful if i didn't get migraines on top of that.
having headaches makes me wanna bang my head against the wall. repeatedly. anyways lol.

today, me and my friend nonny got into a call for a recording sesh. as previously mentioned, i've been having somewhat of a hard time doing anything creative despite having such a strong want and eagerness to get back to making stuff for and most importantly with my loved ones and community. nonny's working on an album, and for this song he wanted me to sing about two minutes. being so creatively /dry/ i was constantly asking for pointers and if he wanted something more this way and that and he was so very patient with me. the sesh went well. honestly, i think back and go "wow, this track is gonna be great" because i KNOW my homie is about to knock it out of the park in the DAW. this whole album is gonna be his magnum opus, and i'm gonna be right there to witness it!!! i should have reached out sooner, because working WITH my friend felt so much better than hating myself alone, staring blankly at the screen with blender and krita and unity and so much staring back at me yelling at me to DO something with them. being with a homie helped me get out of my own head, and it sucks knowing that now because i really did isolate and deprived myself of getting some comfort from my friends. i really just denied myself an easier time and punished myself with loneliness. it sucks, but finally getting some time with him first helped my day go way better.

in the evening, my friend hails pinged for a hangout! it made me so happy to see. i was wondering what to do with my free time, and it felt really timely that their ping came when it did. we got into vrchat and hungout for an hour, some other friends stopping by and chatting. one thing i really love about the people around me ease into talking to each other very well. it's pretty cool. i'm a pretty lucky guy to have that, it's very much a privilege. we chatted about various things like, "what if the world was like Ready Player One" and "is Hideo Kojima in the moon egg?" it was awesome.

very often it seems that i am the relaxer (someone literally told me i looked "so chill" at a party recently and i didn't really understand what that meant but i sure hope it's positive!) but in my head it is just this absolute chaotic mess of thoughts and perceptions and things that i gotta remember for later or things that are ABSOLUTELY useless for me to know - like that Bands of America is held in the great city of Indianapolis in Indiana - and i'm so very glad that no one else can see it but me haha. i like to think that i am relaxing, but i also think unconsciously there is so much on my mind at all times, maybe that is a little bit sad. even with friends and family i cannot fully relax, i wish to discuss or do things... i don't let my mind settle. maybe that's also why i couldn't really have a long break, as much as i know that it woudld benefit me so much more. i could never be passive, i could never let myself be stagnant when i can be developing and changing and growing. it's a shame that to me, rest is an activity that is equal to stagnation when that is not true. this feels like a belief that must have been instilled in me somehow, though i am not completely sure where.

working thru grief always depends for me each time. there's been times where i have been able to go dry-faced thru work, offering a smile and an easy demeanor despite hell on my mind. there's been times that i have absolutely fucking crashed out... and then swiftly had consequences dealt on to me for doing so. this time, it felt like both but also not. it felt like everything chilled. that somehow even during summer it felt cold for me. cold to know that your breath would never be felt by this air, by this sky, by this world again. cold to feel dread, the regret, the anger. that could be another thing too. all the color of my life went cold, and all of the art i wanted to make had to reflect that. i could no longer make art the way i used to, the way everyone including myself was used to seeing from me. i felt a part of me die, and a part of my fire with it.

i say angry prayers in the middle of the night.
why is it always those who do not deserve it that perish first?
i wish so many things were different.

still, the soul must persist - the journey does not end here. there are probably going to be many more times that i want to give up on my art and on myself in the future unfortunately lol, but i just need to find better ways to process all of that and really work thru it and keep trying my best. i'm a really emotional guy and it's kind of gross. i cry a lot, i'm sensitive, i'm a little fucking baby man and no one really lets me forget it. but i also know that's me and i really just gotta feel my feelings, even if a lot of the time processing that takes a long while. that's just how it is for me. or something lol.