9 MARCH 2026 - MONDAY

deluding and denying finality and permanence

There's a lot of big changes happening in my life. Obviously, cannot detail them entirely here on the internet but the general topic of change leading into some things become final or permanent in the sense that nothing can be done to further change said things has been on my mind for quite some time. I am very much someone that thinks he needs to be in the know and in control of how things happen, when, where, etc. etc. to a tee, and not being able to have that especially during major life events and changes is really anxiety-inducing.

I am probably preaching to the choir here. I think most of us probably think that change is uncomfortable to some degree. But I also think that it's harder for people (myself especially) to accept that change is a normal and inevitable force that comes upon us. A lot of life right now is massive change that is out of our grasp, and there really is so much that we can realistically do about it. I know this, yet I still struggle. I myself really crave normalcy, consistency, and reliability, and I suppose I really don't want to tell myself that I'm selfish or naive for wanting those things all the time. I don't want to be selfish or naive. But this inability to move forward is due to my lack of acceptance of change, and admitting it feels like ash falling out of my mouth.

The past few days have been spent with me stomping around a city I'm in for work, looking for a sign or some cathartic release from all this irritation and helplessness I've been feeling. It did feel good to just walk aimlessly, and I suppose for some people that's where the journey of healing and growing ends or starts or whatever, but for me it just made me feel like I was running away from my problems instead of solving them or fixing them head on. I tell myself that, and then I remember there's things I quite literally cannot solve on my own. That some of the things I am dealing with require patience and time - both of which I have very little of. Then the cycle of irritation restarts.

Letting myself go haggard due to all of this is not helping, not me, not my family, not my community or my friends or anyone that cares about me. It just isolates me in with my fear.

Another part to this is the idea that not only can I not change certain things at my whim, there are things that I will not change at all no matter what I do or try. Feeling like a bystander to events happening in my own life is awful. It's like watching a movie where you can clearly see that things are going terribly as the audience member, but all you can do is just sit there and cringe, hoping for the best. That makes me wonder, is hope all I got? Do I really just have to keep going about my life, doing what I can, being where I can, and feel some sort of acceptance that I should just hope things improve???

It makes me feel like a child. Hope is no tool to me, it is nothing tangible, but right now it feels like all I've got.

This leads into me being shit at goodbyes. I don't want to say goodbye, I want to see you later. I want more moments and more minutes with people and in certain places. I want, I want, I want. Very selfish. Very possessive. Very immature. It's how I feel, and it disgusts me, but I cannot lie to myself or to anyone about how much I hate this.

A lot of this probably reads rather vague and abstract, which I am unfortunately not sorry for lolol. Providing context to all of this isn't really possible, but I am sort of hoping that others around me may understand or relate to how I feel. I think what I need is to know I am not alone in this feeling, that I am not having a uniquely terrible experience that only I know of. I'm sure that all of us, on some level, are dealing with changes that are final and permanent that we wish we could do more about. I'll hope the best for me and you.