19 APRIL 2026 - MONDAY

harsh acceptance

One of the lessons that I know I have definitely not learned fully yet is accepting when things aren't working out the way I want them to. Whether it's a friendship, work opportunities, or even just random getting mud on your clothes (because yeah this happened to me last week and I had to silently seethe and convince myself that life isn't over), accepting how things are can be incredibly difficult. I used to be someone who would scoff at the idea of planning, but then my life went really sideways when I didn't consider that maybe I should have some sort of structure in my life, but now there's maybe too much structure. So much structure that I find myself boxed in by these rules and expectations that I have for myself, and I have been having a hard time admitting to myself that this is just as bad as having none.

I think where it all started was when I began needing a planner to keep my daily and weekly life in accordance. I had, and still have, a lot of things going on, so I need to have some sort of tangible or digital way to keep track of it all. Everything from my medication to my schedule and even how much time I would let myself rest was alotted some sort of metric, some number or rule I made myself follow. Honestly, it's become a bit obsessive in that I feel guilt if I overslept or took a longer break. I punish myself for not following the structure I've made. I call myself stupid or dumb or a failure for not fucking doing enough or not doing things correctly.

The idea that life is formulaic is comforting. That if I do x thing, y thing will happen is such a nice thing to fall back on. What's real though is that life doesn't work out that way really. I even used to fucking preach this point to someone I really cared about, and look at me now. Rules are comforting in times like now. Uncertainty dominates most people's lives, and it is scary to even begin to think about how much we don't know where all of our futures are heading. I can reason with myself by saying that these rules feel like a weighted blanket, that they keep me warm because that's what I expect. Blankets can still harm you. Weight can crush you. And I don't want to be the idiot that remains laying under the sheets thinking that he's immune to it.

And yes I understand that's a terrible analogy but let's keep it moving lmao.

It's disappointing when after doing things you thought were correct and sound, the end result isn't what you wanted. I find that I feel choked up, unsure how to proceed except to breathe through it and attempt to think rationally. There are, of course, only so many things that we can control and that are a part of our sphere of influence. I cannot make people respond back to me after sending them message after message. I cannot make people change their minds about their beliefs even if I provide a sound counterargument. I cannot convince employers to consider me again after they have made their decision.

I have to sit down and make sure I repeat things like this in my head, else I start asking myself dumb shit like, was it my fault? what did I do wrong? is there something I could have done better? and so on. The idea surrounding harsh acceptance is that it WILL be uncomfortable, it WILL feel awful, and it WILL test your mental fortitude. I can admit that each time mine has been tested, I feel like a piece of me breaks away, like the bricks building up the foundation of my being are slowly crumbling. Harsh acceptance is harsh because afterwards, when you feel yourself crumbling, you have to pick up the pieces yourself and BUILD yourself back up. It is a lonely process, and no one will make you accept things except you.

Friends, family, loved ones, community - they can all aid in your journey of acceptance but you've gotta be the one picking up the damn pieces to start.

Unfortunately, I am also someone who does not ask for help. I think my friends would like me to speak up more, but I don't because of this crazy notion that I have to make things work by myself. It's why accepting things is hard for me. While what I stated earlier is true, that I and you and everyone needs to start picking up the pieces themselves, they'll be picked up faster when there's company right next to you helping out. Reasoning from loved ones, sane statements from best friends, it's all necessary in this process and it doesn't have to be lonely the entire way through. It's only lonely in the beginning when you haven't even started accepting how things are.

Realizing what is within our control and what isn't is crucial for being able to move forward. For now, I'll probably continue to struggle intensely, but I just need to keep breathing.