21 MAY 2026 - THURSDAY

thinking of the me from before

Every now and then I'll look at old photos of myself and loved ones and think about how good those times were. It's like my eyes glaze over and all sense leaves my brain. Often now do I let myself fall into the vastness that is nostalgia, only to wake up and realize that those times are in the past and not all of those times were good. Remembering things in a fond way can push back all the difficult and challenging times that came with everything from before.

Recently I thought about how much skinnier and smaller I was in university, only to sober myself up and recall that I was on several different substances at the time of those photos being taken. For a few minutes I didn't notice the gauntness of my face, the bags under my eyes, the bruises on my fingers. All I saw was my smile, the people I clung to, and the wild nights that came with them. I let myself think, oh back then was really a great time, I wish I could go back. When in reality, back then I was worse off than I am now. I suppose a part of me in the present wishes I could go back to the recklessness I engaged with in the past.

It isn't to say I'm not reckless anymore, lol. I still find myself making very dumb, ill-informed decisions, just now it doesn't require several shots of liquor and a variety of pills to get me there. Now I feel much more cautious and distrustful of everything, which I don't want to be. As stupid as I was when I was in university, I feel pretty stupid now that I cannot just let myself experience things. I hold myself back because of fear, insecurity, and stress, when the me from before would just dive in no questions asked.

Maybe in actuality, that's the part of the me from before that I miss.

Another part of me thinks about the me from before as a reference to the time I wasn't out quite yet. I didn't really tell people I was queer, and up until I moved to the US I didn't really know anything about what it meant to be trans. Part of me mourns the woman I was, but at the same time, I don't really think I'd go back to that either. When I still presented as female, I was constantly hiding parts of myself to fit in amongst my peers, to assimilate into the crowds and spaces that I wanted to be present in.

When I came out, I found that I didn't really /miss/ being how I was. I only missed the safety and security that came with compliance to the status quo. Removing myself from the box that held me freed me, but it has also exposed me. Now, I make my own box for me to settle in for the rest of my days.

There's comfort to be found in what's known. It's nice for me to reminisce on times long past, because I know exactly how everything from back then panned out. I could ponder the question, "what if?" for as long and as much as I desire. It's nice to fantasize, to dream, to delude, even for a little bit. Some of the daydreams I have are centered around me not ever transitioning and being happy as a woman, others are where I have decided to pursue a different career path than what I'm doing now. There's comfort, but there's also pain in being aware of my past. I don't ever want to forget, but I also never want to relieve it all.

Putting the me from before behind me isn't easy. They're still present in my mind, like a ghost haunting every free moment I have. It sucks to note that I keep busy so I can avoid pondering too much about the me from before. I avoid them at every turn, because I want to look forward. Although, I also think that in order for me to move forward effectively, looking back is a necessary occurence.