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FULL INDEX OF ENTRIES. DDMMYYYY - TITLE.
  • [ 12 AUGUST - THE SORRY STATE OF ME ]
  • [ 29 JULY - RUMINATIONS ON THE COMMUTE HOME ]
  • [ 13 JULY - ATTEMPTING TO PRACTICE MINDFULNESS AS A GENERATION Z INDIVIDUAL ]
  • [ 02 JULY - A REVIEW OF PRIDE MONTH ]
  • [ 14 JUNE - CHANGE OF ROUTINES AMIDST HARD TIMES ]
  • [ 21 MAY - THINKING OF THE ME FROM BEFORE ]
  • [ 11 MAY - LOOK EVERYWHERE EXCEPT AROUND YOU ]
  • [ 19 APRIL - HARSH ACCEPTANCE ]
  • [ 13 APRIL - I GOT A NEW PC AND IT IS REALLY FUCKING LOUD LMAO ]
  • [ 27 MARCH - I WANTED YOU TO SEE ME. ]
  • [ 20 MARCH - OBSIDIAN, NOTE-TAKING, JOURNALING, AND WHAT ARE ALL THESE NOTES FOR ANYWAYS? ]
  • [ 09 MARCH - DELUDING AND DENYING FINALITY AND PERMANENCE ]
  • [ 06 MARCH - TRYING OUT NEW THINGS ]
  • [ 12 FEBRUARY - FACING THE YEAR WITH BATED BREATH ]
    • 28/09/2026 - MONDAY

    another rotation around the sun

    I have turned another year older.

    Often do I think about the places most dear to me. Blue tiled streets covered with ginko leaves. Rice paddies and a shaky tricycle. Rain soaking me and harsh, cold wind biting at my cheeks on my way to university. I think about the time that has passed and miss very much the moments that I feel I didn't cherish enough. I get older and things seem to desaturate a little, the colors evaporating into memory as monotony and routine take hold. I grasp on to them as much as I can because I need something to look forward to. Something to return to. Something to make me remember what it means to be alive.

    Colors come back in bursts. For my birthday, my mother purchased one of my favorite apples pies in the world so that we may eat it for dinner. A coworker of mine gave me a friendly slap on the back and handed me a pack of cigarettes. I slapped his back in return. They're Virginia Slims Menthol Silvers - my current go-to and favorite. I received well wishes from numerous people. I ate at Panda Express, a place that I trashed on when I first moved to the US. I let myself laugh at how funny it is that now that I work near one, eating there seems like an easy choice to make. Easy enough to want to have more moments in time in. Getting older feels like life really speeds up, and it is a challenge to slow down and sit in the present.

    Thoroughly do I consider how lucky I am to be loved, cared for, and thought of. The last few years I think have been a trial in my mental stability. It's really easy to live in the clouds because the softness shields you from the height of consequences. Every now and then I stumble, and I fall. A lot of times I fall hard. I get lonely, I crawl back into the closet, I let time pass. Reminding myself of who is there for me is a tether of this tangible world to my being.

    Every now and then I think about what I could say to my younger self. Certainly not "it gets better!" and definitely not "it gets *so* much worse". I wish I could tell them to count the flowers in grandma's garden as many times as possible. I wish they knew how treasured they were. I wish I could tell them to keep drawing and that KUMON isn't as serious as it needs to be. I wish I could tell them their round nose isn't a flaw. I wish I could tell them to enjoy the smell of salt in the air. Would have, could have, should have. In the end it's all wishes that will never be fulfilled. At times that drains the color out of me. Other times, it fills me with a saturating need to take another breath. There's wishes that I can still make true.

    When I am in my retirement years I want to wear silly scarves and mismatching socks every day. Maybe by that time I quit cigarettes entirely. Perhaps then I will still be DJing and singing and creating and loving and living. I want so much color in my life and I want to see new places so that I can create more memories to ruminate over in my bathroom while I get ready for the day. I'd like to think that maybe I have a chance to grow old and become a man proud to have lived life, even with all of its faults and sufferings. Possibly still writing shitty poetry. Definitely still trying to get the pickle jar open without struggling. But alive. Full of joy and whimsy.

    Just maybe it isn't bad to turn another year older.