14 JUNE 2026 - SUNDAY

change of routines amidst hard times

Recently I've had to go to the hospital and be treated for an illness, and it's been one of the most trying times of my life. I feel weak, pathetic, and useless despite knowing that this isn't really my fault. Logically, I am aware that I need help and I am getting it, but when I let myself get into my head too much, my mind goes off the rails and starts thinking that I'm wasting everyone's time and money by allowing myself to have these issues. It's a terrible cyclical thought process, and I'm working on being better to myself about it. Still, it is difficult.

When I was at the clinic, they took our phones away and gave us a strict schedule to follow. We had set times for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, along with medications taken at certain times of the day. This was a really huge change for me while I was there, because I am used to working and playing and existing on my own spontaneous schedule. Nothing ever was really concrete, so doing this made me feel boxed in, uncomfotable.

Now, it's a bit of a comfort to rely on a set schedule. I'm now able to return home for a bit but still need to go to treatments and a two step program. This means that some days I'll be at home, and I won't have the nurses or the doctors to enforce such a strict schedule on me. Phone usage is also discouraged, so no one will really be able to text me via my phone number and I'm only reachable via email and Bluesky. It's definitely different to be detached from the spaces that I normally occupy, such as virtual reality and Discord servers, but perhaps it is for the best.

In order for me to continue on with my life healthily and effectively, I have to restructure my routines. I am attempting to follow the strict schedule I was given at the clinic at home, even though it is easier when I'm there for treatments. I have set alarms for my meds, alarms for me to wake up before 8AM, alarms to make sure I do physical activity. Alarms just to make sure I don't sink into that hole of work work work work work- as that was what was killing me.

Honestly it will be difficult. Just this morning, I still got up at my regular 3AM time from before I got hospitalized. This will sound maybe a bit silly, but I had to fight myself from opening up my laptop or booting up my computer to work on something to pass the time. That's what I normally did before, but now that is no longer an option for me. Begrudginly, I fell back asleep, and thankfully I was able to get three more hours of rest.

I will say, it has been eye-opening going thru this whole ordeal, as traumatic it was in certain moments in the hospital and the clinic. Before, I wasn't really paying attention to how my routines then were playing into my exhaustion, stress, and lack of relaxation. This last Tuesday woke me up, even if it was an upset, to the detrimental system I had in place for myself on the day to day. I was letting myself burn out, and I was burning out furiously. Not anymore.